Journal 1313: Beyond's Personal Thoughts and Memoirs
by Backup Bastard
Summary: Beyond Birthday has been keeping a journal. Take a look and see what makes the infamous Successor tick.
1. An Introduction I suppose

Over the years Ive written my thoughts and impressions, letters, and discussions down. I started young. I was told it would be therapeutic. Have something to pour over and contemplate myself. Understand the deeper inner workings of my mind. Now they just remind me of what Ive loved and lost. Where I've been and what I have failed to accomplish. I will continue to write here…Because I am at a loss as what else to do. And by now its become quite a habit. I hope to one day understand myself better or at the very least. Know what patterns emerge. There are always patterns…..

Beloved,

B.B.


	2. Congratulations, He's Dead

March 21st, 1994

Adam is dead. I am alone and there is no one but the staff and the newer, younger children left. They have no idea what they're here for. Why any of us were chosen. What to expect. Or who Adam was...

I lost him. I watched the numbers tick by and again there was nothing I could do to stop the inevitable.

L wrote a letter. Except, he didn't. I received the letter while L was out on a case, after A passed away…. Lawliet was there for the funeral but not to help us grieve.

A short time after things "returned to business as usual" at the orphanage Roger gave me a letter. Sealed and signed with L's symbol. The closest thing to a signature he was allowed. It wasn't really written by L. I knew L, knew how he wrote, what his emotions would look like on paper. There was no emotion in this, there was no pride no congratulatory sentiment, no trepidation about the choice being made. The thing in my hand was very professional and unfeeling.

The choice of Successor was made for L the instant A passed away. And without a new generation coming in, I am the only choice. This is a hollow victory. I should be picked because I AM better. I am the original! I am ANGRY.

I crumpled the letter, throwing it back in Roger's face. "Take your title and keep it!" I have already considered leaving with A in tow but…Now? I just have to leave, and complete the plan alone. I'll beat L on his own terms. And in the end, I'll reunite with Adam. There's honestly only one way this obsessive rivalry can end. And I am going to end it.

And I am going to win.


	3. My Confessions

Sometime in fall 2003

You called today. You never call. I've been in this cell for years and not one letter, not a call, not one visit. No sign you remember I'm here. And today, you called. A new case. With hauntings from your past. Things began to make sense for you about me. I'm FLATTERED, honestly. That you thought I would be willing to help you after what you've done. Alas, I am not about to help you play games with anyone else, Darling. You can toy with your precious little Moonlight all you like. I will end him soon enough. But you got me wondering about how it all began.

You asked me when the first time I knew I loved you was. And to be honest, it was about a week after I arrived at the wammy house. We were young, both of us. But it wasn't so much love at the time, because I didn't know what it would grow into. All I knew was that you were my equal it was just something I could sense on...first hand, you know?

We were intellectual equals at least.

I hated it at first because it felt like someone had taken a part of my identity. Being an intellectual at our age was kind of all I had left from before my parents died. It felt like you had taken part of me away. That's how the mimicking started. The makeup, the hair changes, the similar clothes: it was me trying to get revenge and take away part of your identity.

And of course to learn more about you, I would follow you, watch you. The more I did that, the more you simply captivated me. It was a slow long progression and I don't know when the moment was that I knew it had turned into love. But the moment I knew it had become an obsession was the moment I knew I had to leave to try and best you.

And the rest, as they say, is history.


	4. Justice

November, 2004

I want Light Yagami DEAD. And I want it to HURT. I want to take from him EVERYTHING he takes for granted! His family, his loved ones, his job, his friends. I will take EVERYTHING from him, even his sanity. And then when he begs for death? I will lock him in isolation!

I do not claim to be an angel or a savior. All my intentions are selfish and greedy.

He hurt someone I loved. He TOOK what was MINE. I simply intend to…return the favor, you see.

He is less than the dirt L walked on, you know. He doesn't deserve anything. He usurped a title he was never chosen for. He Touched What Was Mine. And then he took it away, threw him into a coffin, and buried him like he was compost. I dream of him. Nightmares, begging for vengeance. Retribution…

JUSTICE FOR L LAWLIET!

That is what I want. All I want is a little justice.


	5. Orphan

Jan 2002

The inmates rarely approach me. They know nothing about me and I am just wild enough that most of them keep their distance. Sometimes there is fresh blood. They are dull and naïve, they don't know better. They try to converse. One of them asked a question today. It was worded oddly but that may be because English is not his first language. "Were you an orphan from birth?" I believe he meant to ask if I'd always been this way.

Bit of a silly question that. You can never be an orphan from birth, unless I suppose your parents die during the birthing process. That didn't happen to me, though. They died later. And I had to watch.

I can barely tell which memories are real and which are creations of my mind. Delusions I've created to cope. I know I have my father's jaw, and my mother's cheekbones. Her nose and lips. And dark hair. She was a wonderful woman. I remember baking together. One of the few happy memories from that point in my life. Baking keeps me calm, always has, I enjoy being busy and the science behind it. Basic chemistry and all that.

From what I remember my father was Loud, and often angry. He was not abusive, just...abrasive. Unable to handle my intelligence and the fact that I was often smarter than him. He never understood the numbers. Neither did mother. Those numbers were always there. I cannot remember a time I did not see them.

As I got older, I started to put it together. The numbers above everyone's heads changing and dropping. Count downs. Even my parents had them. And eventually I learned exactly what the numbers meant. A sense of impending doom pressing into my gut as I watched the time tick away above my parent's heads. Both of them blissfully unaware of their young to understand or articulate myself properly I watched as their lives ticked away before me. I was helpless to stop it. I gave him a simple "NO" and told him my parents died when I was but a boy.


	6. Budding Beyond

April 2001

I've left the house and things are not much different out here. In America everything is as I remember. Even the bustle of L.A. does not feel as foreign as the decorated walls of Wammy House did. I dream. Not Nightmares as usual. But I dream =. I am looking in as if through a glass window. Staring in at myself in the attic. I pour over my tarot cards, the one I left behind. The ones Im positive Nate has now taken into his collection. I wish I could talk to myself But I don't quite know what I would say…..Sometimes Adam is in these dreams. We are in the attic together. I reach for him, both as myself and in the dream. I cry out. He is horribly upset. And I wish to comfort him…..

Dear Child...

Are you trapped? Are you lonely?…

Are you cold and hurting?….

Dont give up. Look at the cards…

Believe in me, in you…

And in the hope we bring eachother.

Do not forget me, because I will never forget you….

Wait a little longer…Soon the door will open to your freedom….


	7. The Things That should Not Be

August 1998

No one knows what I SEE. Not Even Adam knew. I tried to explain, but few believe me. I am diagnosed with psychosis and while that may be true they think what I am capable of witnessing are mere hallucinations. Delusions of non-reality. How wrong they are! I see what no human should ever be able to see. I witness death and birth and everything beyond and in between. There are all manner of things that live among us. Between us. In realms that we dare not fathom. Dimensions no human can conceive of existing. There are so many TERRIBLE THINGS that exist. And then there's worse. The Things That Should Not Be. Beings of terrible existence. Cursed, not gods not mortals not really anything. Creatures that should never have become reality. They hunger, gods do they hunger. They feed on all of us. Gods, and Death, and rules do not apply to them. And it is terrifying. I see them in my sleep. When I walk between realms. My nightmares are haunted as they try to devour me. I see them, I see ghosts, I see Devils, and more. I cant remember a time when I didn't see them. Any of them. The numbers have always been there. Twisting and turning, counting down above every face….But I can never see mine. I don't think I would want to know, even if I could.


	8. Nightmares and Hellscapes

_((( Author's warning for Blood, horror, and mild gore. This chapter is an example of a typical night for Beyond. But is not integral to understanding the story.))_

Sunday morning 2000

I awoke in a burning house. The flames don't burn me and its wrong, so wrong. But I see others burning and cursing my name. L, A, Near, Mello. I am alone and in a field that leads nowhere. Walking, Just trying to find an end. A dark unimaginable figure is chases me, but I cant run. Why cant I run?! The field transforms into a maze. Now I am lost as I travel through the dead ends of the Maze, reliving every Death that ever traumatized me. My parents, Adam, L. I am out of the maze but only to be surrounded by snarling snapping beasts. They rip my flesh to shreds…I think I can hear mother screaming…And then Like always I Awake. Sitting upright in a cold sweat and reaching out for a weapon, before my eyes even adjust to the waking world. I struggle, scrambling for something familiar to hold onto, an anchor to reality. I don't really have a grasp on where I am until finally it is safe enough to open my eyes. Shakey breaths escape me as I slowly open my eyes and realize… "It was just another Nightmare…." I am not trapped in the maze again, or walking between realms. The Things That Should Not Be cannot get me in this world. He is safe. For now. I am home. I Am In Control.

Friday night 2003

I have been through this before. Bouncing from dream to dream, until suddenly I am unable to come back from it anymore. There is no waking up. Not really. Stuck now, for however long it takes for my brain and body to land me back in reality. Trapped now, in a world where flesh drips from the walls. Blood spills from the beds of my fingernails. It is not painful, yet. But I do not understand. I can hear my heart pounding in my ears as I go from room to room, the pink, fleshy, twitching walls becoming almost mundane after a while as I look for something. Searching endlessly through the rooms and the thick pink misty miasma in the halls. Something bitter dances on my tongue, an unfamiliar taste. Another door is opened, this time mishappen heads with too many eyes and mouths stare back at me. The room is full of them. Not all of them are the same. Some have limbs or things that might be limbs, and they ooze and swell and hiss at me. They turn once the door opens and rush towards me. I run because that is all I CAN do. Down the unending hallway, and vaguely realizes my finger nails have stopped bleeding, but that may just be because I cannot feel my extremities any more. I don't remember the last time I felt ANYTHING in this place…..


	9. The Letter

_In your hands lay a scorched piece of paper. Scrawled madly in what looks to be old red ink is a letter. No one has laid eyes on this since that fateful day. Since Rue Ryuzaki was sent to prison. There are holes in the letter and some of it has to be patched together with context clues….You've been through everything else while trying to write your novel…You never expected to find something so…Personal in the file._

August 22nd 2002

Dearest Lawliet,

By the time you find me or this letter

I will have WON our little game of cat and mouse.

Naomi was intelligent but she would never have figured out half as much if you hadn't held her hand the whole way…..You are watching…I can feel it in my bones, in the air around me. Your gaze, it pierces my skin and the moment that woman set foot on my crime scene I knew you were with me once again. It tickles me to know I am what pulled you from your seclusion. Your precious safety net. I am honored and delighted to know I mean so much to you. Though we may never meet face to face again...I may never taste your blood on my tongue, or feel your pulse beneath my fingers like so long ago, know I look forward to watching you for a change…From the other side. We have had a terrible, wonderfully maddening game my love. And I truly do hope you've had as much fun as I have, but this is where it ends. Where I finally TRIUMPH. I will see you there, BeLoved Lawliet ~3

Until Death do we meet again

Rue Ryuzaki


	10. No Monsters Under The Bed

April 1996

There are no monsters under my bed. I have been taught and shown and I have seen what real monsters are. They do not sit under beds and hide behind corners or in shadows. They are out in the open. Hiding in plain sight. Wearing human skin they have crafted from fallen foes and molded into pristine porcelain smiles. There are many kinds of monsters. And they all live together. I see them hanging from wires and ropes in my dreams, I see them whispering from screens in my waking day, I see them emerge from burning flames and fallen churches, shot down in the street, laying on stairs like fallen cherubs. They hover in the air and they walk among the living andthey stare you in the face. I can hear lies and sinister words travel through the halls…. Everyone is a monster in their own right. I've seen every kind of monster out there… But none of them have seen anything like Me before.


	11. We Are That Monster

April 2000

A Nightmare. That's what it was. I think. I am unsure. My experiences don't seem to be universal, and most of what I witness daily would drive any other person Mad. But from what I understand, my upbringing was far from average. That's what the nice doctors here say at least. But I didn't need them to tell me that. I lived a nightmare, but I became a worse one. I am well aware of what I have become. It takes a lot of WORK and Effort to be better than the biggest Monster Out There. We had big shoes to fill after all…Well, he doesn't wear shoes, but you get the idea. It takes one to know one and so on. I find it quite endearing that he realizes what he is. Charming even. As if he has a conscience about it or something. Fat lot of good it did us then. Not like me suddenly growing a conscience would do Anyone any good now. We Are Monsters. All of us. We were raised to be. Cut his head off and there would be 23 of us waiting to fill his spot and all that. It's comforting, to know how little separates him and I. I can see between us The sticky red webs of psyche and strings of fate. Winding all around us and making a horrid fleshy web. Tying us together forever. Fated to be together. I am him and he is me. We Will Be Remembered. One Way or Another


End file.
